BY: ED V

Here's a tale from the orange shelf for you: one employee, one customer, and the seeming omnipotence of Oprah Winfrey. How a certain book club brings good lit to the masses and a few laughs to book store employees. When a mind is made up, not even a wiki will save you.

I had a funny customer interaction the other day while working the Customer Service desk, so I thought I'd share.

It was a mellow period in the ebb and flow of customers. The trade counter had some activity, but nothing crazy. The line at the register was small enough that the cashier had it well under control and the phone, for once, wasn't ringing. I was just staring out the door, waiting to do something. Not in a bored kind of way, since it had been busy all morning. It was more of a peaceful pondering while I waited for the next surge of customers and phone calls.

That's when she walked in. Mid-forties, an elegant pant suit with a white silk blouse, hair well-coiffed, and lots of jeweled bling. She had sharp eyes and a determined look and she was headed right for me.

"I'm looking for The Good Earth and Eat, Pray, Love," she said. "Do you have any copies?"

I pointed to the copy of Eat, Pray, Love on the easel beside me on the counter. "So far so good," I said. "Let's go see if we have The Good Earth."

I beckoned her to follow me back into General Fiction, making small talk. "I think that's Pearl Buck, right?" I knew it was Pearl Buck, thanks to high school English classes, but it was small talk and I didn't have much to say while I scanned the "B" section, looking for the book.

"No, The Good Earth is written by Oprah," she proclaimed with an air of superiority. She was totally schooling the wage slave and loving it.

"Wait. What?" I said as I died a little inside.

"It's the newest book in her Book Club," she replied. "You should check them out, they're all great reads. She doesn't write all of them, but hers are always my favorites!" She was enjoying her attempt to educate the under-educated. Chalk up another good deed for the day!

"I'm pretty sure Oprah doesn't write those kinds of books," I said carefully, knowing that this one had every possibility of blowing up in my face, followed by an angry call to corporate. "I think she does mostly non-fiction stuff, and there's her magazine too." I watched her expression go from pleasantly didactic to frowny. "She just chooses books for her book club that she enjoys and gets people to read and discuss them. It's kind of cool. Anything that gets people to read more is okay with me," I said with a disheartened smile.

By this time, I'd gone through "B" and no The Good Earth. "Shouldn't we check 'W' for it?" she suggested. "You've got to have a copy of it, and I wouldn't mind getting her other book, The Color Purple."

At this point, I crawled into the little happy place inside my head. I go there a lot these days - when the baby is screaming, or when my wife goes into list mode with me. I sat in there for a few seconds, drinking espresso and smoking a cigarette, watching big fluffy clouds in the shape of unicorns float across a bright blue sky while a Sesame Street sun smiled down at me.

We checked "W." Nothing by Winfrey. I was also very sad to see that we didn't have Alice Walker's The Color Purple. It would have been my proof;  my redemption. Alas, it was not to be.

Light bulb!

"Let's go check the Oprah table!" I exclaimed. "We put most of her Clubs' books there. I should have thought of it before." Feeling my vindication at hand, I led her over. Of course, it's never that easy. No The Color Purple, no The Good Earth. At this point, the lady was obviously bored with the whole quest and clearly thought I was an idiot. She thanked me for my help - Hey! I did find one of the books! - and headed for the register. I hobbled over to the CS computer and started searching for a Pearl Buck wiki. Success! I could prove I wasn't an idiot. Hell, I bet I could find an Alice Walker wiki too!

As she was heading out the door, I smiled at her and said, "I found some more info about The Good Earth, if you're interested."

"Don't have time, thanks for your help. You should really read more of the classics; it would help you do your job better," she called over her shoulder on her way out.

"Wait! What?!!" I cried. "But - but - I have a wiki! A wiki!"

Good times.