BY: SAMMY HAIN & ASH

How well does this remake hold up against the original horror classic? Depends on which of our reviewers you ask, but one thing's for sure: Zombie has a healthy respect for slasher flicks - and female flesh.

Welcome to another Cinema Of The Forsaken. Unfortunately Angela couldn’t be with us this week. There was a minor accident…involves zombies…can’t really go into it…legal reasons, y’know? Never fear, she’ll be back soon, and in the meantime, please welcome our guest reviewer: Ash!

Ash: Poor, poor Angela. Until her return I hope you enjoy me as your guest reviewer, the infamous Ash!

Well, you know that here at C.O.T.F. it’s never too early to start celebrating Halloween! We’re glad to see that Hollywood is hopping on board with its Aug 31st release of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween.” Aug 31st/ Oct 31st what’s the difference? All I know is I wake up with weird candy necklace stains and smelling of rotten pumpkin either way. 

Now, a lot of people have very negative opinions of remakes, with good reason. It’s heartbreaking to see our classics remade just for the sake of added gore, nudity…and um..wait let me rethink this. No, no, even those things don’t justify handing over our childhood heroes to directors with no respect for the material. This is one thing you can’t accuse Rob Zombie of. This man loves his slashers, and he wants you to join him.

Ash: Ho hum, just another big guy with a knife! Rob Zombie didn’t make me love him. I prefer movies with haunting, surrealistic images such as "The Ring" and "The Descent." Something that gives me a real deep scare and not just a quick jump.

Ok, ok, fine. As much as I love my butcher knife killers, you do have a point. Repeated imitation has ripped some of the heart out of the genre, which is actually why I think "Halloween" is one of the few classics that benefits from a tad bit of “reimagining.” John Carpenter’s original “Halloween” (1978) was significant in that it presented horror not as something exotic and "other," but as familiar and close. Carpenter made the face of horror the most plain and common of all - thus the William Shatner mask (sorry Bill, you know I love ya!). There was no reason for what Michael Myers did; he was simply the “boogeyman.” It was truly an instant classic, and changed the entire genre. However, it doesn’t exactly reflect the horror of today’s world. In the age of Columbine, gang warfare, and Jeffrey Dahmer, the true fear in many people’s hearts is that we live in a world which changes children into monsters. This is the Michael Myers which Zombie has given us. Child actor Daeg Faerch steals the show bringing young Michael Myers to life. You both feel for and are repulsed by him as you witness his descent. He strikes the balance of provoking empathy while remaining one of the creepiest kids in horror movie history. I’d totally put my money on him against Damian any day.

Adult Michael Myers, as played by Tyler Mane (X-Man’s Sabretooth), is also a totally different breed from any Michael we’ve met before. This 6’ 8” behemoth uses intense, thinly veiled rage to make Michael more threatening than he’s been in 30 years. Where the movie falls apart is when it starts rehashing the original and reintroduces the character Laurie Strode. Jamie Lee Curtis made Laurie into a hero of the genre, right up there with Ripley from "Aliens." While her friends are getting screwed and skewered, only Laurie has the wits to see evil coming before it’s too late. Unfortunately Laurie, as played by Scout Taylor-Compton, seems to differ from her friends only by virtue of being the only girl in the whole movie to keep her top on; an effective, if unoriginal, horror movie protection. Actually, there's so much flesh in this movie that I’ve brought in C.O.T.F’s resident Professor of Boobology! She holds a Ph.D, MFA and a DD. Take it away Ash!

Ash: Nice Sammy, real nice. However, it is true I do hold all three, especially the last one [laughs]. What’s a horror movie without a hefty dose of titty shots? That’s one thing that Rob Zombie definitely delivers on. Zombie even diverges from the typical over-sized horror movie silicone boobs in favor of the more realistic breasts of a high school girl that’s about to get decapitated.

An example of one of Zombie’s gratuitous naked nymphet scenes is young Michael’s pivotal slaughter of his sister, Judith. Judith was lost to the tune “Don’t Fear The Reaper,” looking salacious in sexy little boy shorts and a thin white top. Thus oblivious to her brother’s incestuous fingers, stained in her boyfriend’s blood, trickling up her thigh. I like the combined thrill of sexuality and suspense even in such a disturbing setup.

Take note on that one, fellas. Ash has I-S-S-U-E-S! 

Sammy’s Final Take:
Creepy beginning,
Pulse pounding finale,
With a convenient lull in the middle to put the moves on your date.

Rating: 3 out of 4 Buckets of Blood

Ash’s Final Take: I definitely would not have paid ten bucks to see this movie in the theater. I would've waited for it to come out on DVD. As much as Rob Zombie loves the typical slasher movie, I have to say I don’t. I love to be at the edge of my seat throughout a movie. The only part I jumped out of my seat was when Michael Myers came crashing through a window. Sammy had to catch me!

...and if that ain't a rock solid endorsement, I don't know what is.

Rating: 1½ out of 4 Buckets of Blood

Sea Man Sammy Hain and Admiral Ash
would like to remind you that the following movie is rated "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"